The Comedown

Yesterday I wrote about a swimming trip that didn’t end well for M.

She went off to bed last night in a seemingly good mood, apparently none the worse for wear after a sensory trauma. However, I felt, and continue to feel, guilty for handling it the way I did, I am working on the guilt, I know I need to forgive myself and move on but it’s taking time.

However, today I have wondered more than once if the inability to settle, the whining and the all-round restlessness that were not apparent yesterday are the products of a delayed reaction to the stress M suffered yesterday.Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe in five years’ time she’ll be speaking to me about something and will suddenly turn round and remind me about the horrible time when I nearly “drowned her” in the pool showers (her words not what actually happened in case you didn’t read yesterday’s post).

I have learned a lot from my older boy, R, about all the sensory tortures he endured as a small boy when he was unable to sort out and verbalise his pain, so I am hoping that with his help – as well as my increased knowledge of autism and sensory processing – that I am minimising M’s exposure to things that hurt her.

What I probably should have spent today doing (instead of a myriad of essential household chores) is having a snuggle day with M, treating her to lots of deep pressure massage, lots of water play, and maybe the Play Doh too. But instead I have been busy doing Mum Stuff and although I did encourage her to get out a drawing set which kept her happy for a while, again I feel I have rather let her down.

But, she is one of five children and a large family brings a lot of work. All my kids take turns to help in the house, but this is my job and therefore I need to do the majority share. Of course, being Mum is also in my job description, and if I were marking my performance for a review at work I wouldn’t be surprised to receive a “could do better” remark.

To make amends tonight – as I simply refuse to burden myself with more guilt – she can have a long bath with as many toys as she likes. It will hopefully give her the input she needs to truly calm her down, inside and out, and maybe tomorrow will be a better day all round.