Just so Tired

17 Sep

This is a whinge.  So you can’t say you weren’t warned.

I am sick of playing detective every single day since the schools went back. I KNOW it’s not M’s fault she is autistic, and I don’t want to change her, I really don’t – if she was changed she wouldn’t be her – BUT I am so bloody tired of asking the same question in a dozen ways in the hope she can respond to one of them, I am tired of thinking of ever more ridiculous reasons for a refusal or tantrum (and it’s a good idea to assume the ridiculous as it might be to me but not to M) and I am just plain tired of always without fail being the one person who has to justify M’s sensory world to everyone else.

And by “everyone else” I am including family, who have taken it upon themselves this week to tell me I am spoiling M and just playing into her hands. I beg to differ. If she ignores you it is mostly because she has no filters. This was explained by a paediatrician and actually I think I already half knew; she sees, hears, feels and smells everything all the time, and as she is young she hasn’t yet learned how to filter, which obviously leads to being totally overwhelmed and meltdowns. Or sometimes shutdowns. Instead of screaming and blowing her top she zones everything out. I have tried to explain that if she doesn’t respond and has a blank look in her eyes then she’s “gone away” for a bit and is not being naughty and ignoring them, but for some reason what is patently obvious to me is not to others.

So, I am tired, Some days I would like nothing better than for everyone except M and me to just bugger off out of it and leave the pair of us, snuggled up in some soft fleecy blanket to drift through a few hours where no-one has to explain anything to anyone else, or justify anything.

And then I wonder just how tired M must be. She lives with this x 100 every single minute of her life. No wonder my poor girl has meltdowns.


9 Responses to “Just so Tired”

  1. Peter R September 17, 2013 at 11:32 pm #

    I’m sorry…

  2. aviets September 18, 2013 at 12:57 am #

    Of course you’re tired – being a caregiver round the clock is absolutely exhausting. I hope you’re finding some time here and there to do something to care for yourself. You deserve it and need it. And I hope you know what a wonderful job you’re doing as a mother!

    • ouremuk66 September 20, 2013 at 9:55 am #

      Thank you Amy – I took myself off on Weds for a long swim, which helped. Totally abandoned the housework in favour of “me” time which was a bit overdue.

  3. littlemisssdc September 18, 2013 at 8:46 am #

    You’re well within your rights to have a rant. We all need one now and again. And of course you’re tired. As a mum of 3, I completely empathise. I don’t know much about autism having never had to deal with it, but the way you write about it in your blog makes me realise that you have the normal mum things to live with and then much more. People who don’t live with it day in and day out shouldn’t pass judgement, its unfair of them to do so.
    Hopefully your rant will have left you feeling a bit better. But remember that you are doing a wonderful job.

    • ouremuk66 September 20, 2013 at 9:55 am #

      Thank you 🙂 The rant didn’t exactly help, but it didn’t hurt either. And I have been trying to look after myself a bit more which is something 🙂

  4. mummyshambles September 18, 2013 at 9:10 am #

    I understand your exhaustion only too well! Looking after a child with special needs is exhausting. I get to the stage where I stop functioning and I have to sleep and shut it all out for an hour. It’s very important to take time for yourself and I mean just for YOU. I wish I lived closer to you, we could meet up and have a coffee and a chat and just be…us. However, I’m with you in spirit…

    Family mean well but mostly they don’t understand. They are observers, or only have tasters of what life is like. You can’t blame them really, you have to live this to understand and as a mother, YOU know your child better than anyone else.

    It’s OK to have days like these…you are a lovely, caring mum and a real inspiration to me.

    Love Tracy xXx

    • ouremuk66 September 20, 2013 at 9:57 am #

      Aww Tracy thank you. I don’t feel like I could inspire an earthworm right now but your comments are really appreciated. Luckily M is much more settled and things are quietening down again. Until the next time.

      That coffee is a must one day! Until then, cyber ((((huggles))))


  1. A post written by Karen Sellers @ManicMippisMum | butterfly minds - September 20, 2013

    […] Please take a look at the this post written by Karen Sellers. https://justgoodenoughmum.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/just-so-tired/ […]

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