This is a whinge. So you can’t say you weren’t warned.
I am sick of playing detective every single day since the schools went back. I KNOW it’s not M’s fault she is autistic, and I don’t want to change her, I really don’t – if she was changed she wouldn’t be her – BUT I am so bloody tired of asking the same question in a dozen ways in the hope she can respond to one of them, I am tired of thinking of ever more ridiculous reasons for a refusal or tantrum (and it’s a good idea to assume the ridiculous as it might be to me but not to M) and I am just plain tired of always without fail being the one person who has to justify M’s sensory world to everyone else.
And by “everyone else” I am including family, who have taken it upon themselves this week to tell me I am spoiling M and just playing into her hands. I beg to differ. If she ignores you it is mostly because she has no filters. This was explained by a paediatrician and actually I think I already half knew; she sees, hears, feels and smells everything all the time, and as she is young she hasn’t yet learned how to filter, which obviously leads to being totally overwhelmed and meltdowns. Or sometimes shutdowns. Instead of screaming and blowing her top she zones everything out. I have tried to explain that if she doesn’t respond and has a blank look in her eyes then she’s “gone away” for a bit and is not being naughty and ignoring them, but for some reason what is patently obvious to me is not to others.
So, I am tired, Some days I would like nothing better than for everyone except M and me to just bugger off out of it and leave the pair of us, snuggled up in some soft fleecy blanket to drift through a few hours where no-one has to explain anything to anyone else, or justify anything.
And then I wonder just how tired M must be. She lives with this x 100 every single minute of her life. No wonder my poor girl has meltdowns.